Setting boundaries is a vital part of establishing a healthy relationship. Healthy boundaries are the signposts that let our mates know our limits and how we would like to be treated.
But setting healthy boundaries isn’t something that comes easily to everyone.
Many women struggle to set boundaries with guys. Some ladies think they’re setting healthy boundaries when, in reality, they are controlling their partners.
This need for control results from being cheated on or poor treatment in past relationships.
In this article, I will explain the difference between healthy boundaries and being controlling with examples of each. And I will show you how to set boundaries without being controlling to men.
What is the Difference Between Setting Boundaries and Being Controlling?
Boundaries are not about controlling your partner.
You set boundaries with someone to determine if that person is a good fit in your life.
Boundaries are put in place to help you understand yourself. Because limits require you to think about what matters to you in a relationship, how you want a man to treat you, and what your ideal relationship should look like, you gain insight into yourself.
Controlling behaviors are the result of fear and not getting what you want.
Perhaps you were in a relationship with a guy who failed to meet your needs, which hurt you. So in your next relationship, you require your partner to spend time with you every weekend.
You think you have created a boundary, but in reality, this is controlling behavior. If your new man doesn’t spend all his free time with you, you punish him by withholding sex or ending the relationship. No one wants to be controlled.
What Are Some Examples of Unhealthy Boundaries?
Unhealthy boundaries come from a place of insecurity due to past relationship trauma. So what often happens when a person has had a negative experience in a relationship? We try to avoid that experience with future relationships by setting boundaries.
But what ends up happening is the boundaries we think we’re creating to avoid future relationship trauma push people away. These boundaries repel people – they are controlling and unhealthy.
As stated earlier, controlling behaviors come from fear. Here are some examples of unhealthy or controlling boundaries.
Controlling Boundaries:
- Requiring that a guy must call you every day.
- Having your man spend every weekend with you.
- Requiring a text from a guy every morning.
- Have your man check in with you daily.
Unhealthy Boundaries:
- Falling head over heels in love with someone that reaches out to you.
- Going against your personal values for a person.
- Accept a person’s gifts, touch, or sex you don’t want.
- Acting on sexual impulse.
What Are Some Examples of Healthy Boundaries?
Healthy boundaries come from a place of love, particularly self-love for yourself. Boundaries require you to understand yourself and reflect on what matters to you in a relationship. Again boundaries are the signposts that let your partner know your limits.
Here are some examples of healthy boundaries.
- Requiring men to be trustworthy.
- Requiring a guy to treat you with respect at all times.
- Only have sex once you have weighed the consequences and gotten to know the guy well.
- Only date men with similar values as your own.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries with a Guy Without Being Controlling?
Women that have been hurt in previous relationships create boundaries that push men away. Many women become controlling and exhibit controlling behavior due to past relationship trauma, being lied to, taken advantage of, and abandoned.
To keep from having to experience this hurt again, women will create unhealthy boundaries that control their partners. Unhealthy boundaries come from a place of fear and insecurity.
Yet, healthy boundaries come from a place of love and self-love for yourself. Here’s how to set healthy boundaries with guys by following these 3 simple steps.
1. Create
To create a boundary, you must take some time to reflect on your past relationships. Think about what was good about the relationship and the problems.
Take a piece of paper and write a list of good things and problems from your past. Writing out this list will be helpful in the next step.
By reflecting on past relationships, you formulate your why or reason for the boundary. For example, if you notice a trend that men you have dated didn’t talk to you with respect. A healthy boundary would be requiring men to speak respectfully to you.
And your “why” is that you have let men disrespect you in past relationships in how they communicated with you. This healthy boundary doesn’t try to control a guy. It’s from a place of love.
You love who you are enough to require that men respect you enough to speak respectfully to you.
2. State
The next step in the process is to state your boundaries to yourself. It’s not enough to create a limitation. You must say your health boundary.
When you state your boundaries, you’re reminding yourself why these boundaries exist. Basically, you are reminding yourself of your why.
This is why I think writing out your list of good things and problems from prior relationships was essential. Having a list makes reciting your newly created boundaries easier.
Plus, when you write something down, it becomes real.
For instance, suppose you have had a tendency to let men talk poorly to you. You realize this and create a healthy boundary to change this tendency. You now require men to speak to you with respect at all times.
And your reason for this new healthy boundary is that you have allowed men to talk to you disrespectfully in past relationships. You now understand that you are worthy of being respected by men because you love yourself.
You will not tolerate any man that speaks poorly to you.
3. Maintain
The final step is to maintain your new boundaries. This could be a challenge because you aren’t used to setting boundaries that don’t control a guy’s actions.
So that you don’t lose focus of the new person you’re becoming, repeat your boundaries to yourself daily, weekly, or monthly until you have internalized them.
Also, recite your why for each healthy boundary you’ve created from the first step.
Takeaway
Setting boundaries is a vital step to having a healthy relationship.
The type of boundary you set for a man can push him away if that boundary is from a place of control.
Remember, healthy boundaries come from self-love.
Boundaries are not about controlling a man but are in place to show your partner your limits.
Lastly, boundaries are created to show men how you expect to be treated. Now that you’ve learned to set healthy boundaries, more men will be willing to be with you longer than before.
If you enjoyed this post, check out Why Men Test Women’s Boundaries. And learn the 6 simple signs a guy is testing your boundaries.
