You’ve been seeing a nice guy – you met online – for the last two months. Everything is going well – frequent dates, great phone conversations, and chemistry – but without warning, he vanishes.
You wonder, is he okay? Did you do something to offend him?
It’s been several months since you last heard from the guy. You decide to move on and start dating again. So, you post your profile on a popular dating app. And you meet someone new – who’s interested in getting to know you. Your new man is fun, passionate, and has a great sense of humor.
The previous guy seems like a distant memory.
Then – out of nowhere – you receive a text from the vanisher. You think – What the hell? What does he want? Why has he come back?
There are many different reasons why men vanish and come back into your life. Here are the top reasons why men come back and what you should do when they reappear.
Reasons Why Men come back.
- You allow him to. Men will come back if they know you will allow them to come back in your life. Women often assume if a man comes back then he must love them. This is not true. A man will come back because you allow it.
- You’re available. Men will come back because they want to see if you are still available. If you are available they will attempt to pursue you with the hope of you falling for them again. This isn’t love. This is a boost to a man’s ego to know that a woman he hasn’t seen or spoken to for months still wants him.
- Have you changed? He wants to know if you have changed – maybe there was something about you that turned him off and he has come back to see if you have changed.
I once dated a woman I thought was compatible with me. We had a great time together for the first couple of months, but that all changed. She chewed me out for being a couple of minutes late for a date once. So, I ended the relationship.
After about 6 months of separation, I reached out to her, hoping she had changed and we could develop a new relationship. A month into dating her – she chewed me out again. I never went back.
- It’s about sex. A lot of men will come back into your life to get laid. Basically, he has been thinking about the great time you’ve had together (sexually) and he has come back for more of the same.
- He doesn’t want someone else to have you. A man will come back into your life if he doesn’t want to see you with anyone else.
Generally, it’s about control. He doesn’t want to commit to you but he doesn’t want you to move on from him either. This is a serious and potentially dangerous situation to be involved in. Men that are like this often become abusive.
They will often stalk you on social media and pop up where you are. This guy will only do the minimum to keep you while he cheats on you with other women.
What you should do when a man comes back in your life?
If a man from your past comes back into your life, think about how he treated you before you return his call or reply to his message.
How was the relationship before he disappeared?
Did he make you a priority?
How did he make you feel?
Really reflect on these questions and be honest with yourself. Afterward, determine if this guy is the right man for you – based on his past behavior.
If he isn’t – move on. Do not return his calls, reply to his messages, or even acknowledge him. Move on with your life and don’t look back.
What if you want to give the guy another chance at a relationship?
Here is what you should say to him. Please tailor the conversation exchange to fit you. Let’s say a guy from your past pops back up and he sends you a text. He may say something like:
Guy: “Hey! How are you?”
He is checking in on you hoping you will respond. Because ultimately he wants to hangout.
You: “I’m doing well. How are you?”
He will probably text back, something like this.
Guy: “I’m well also. I’ve had a lot going on the past few months, been really busy. What are you up to this weekend?”
He may or may not give an excuse for his absence. Then he will see what you’re up to this weekend. Here is what you should say.
You: “What’s on your mind?”
The guy will then ask you out.
Guy: “There’s this new club that opened, I’ve been wanting to check out. Wanna go?”
When he asks you out, reply with this text.
You: “I may want to go. But, I have a question for you. Give me a call when you can.”
When he calls you tell him this: “Thanks for calling me, I want to clear something up with you if that’s okay? He’ll say: Yeah, that’s okay. This is your opportunity to call out his vanishing act.”
Tell him: “The last time we were together I thought we had a really great time, but after the date, you told me you were going to call me. And you went weeks without giving me a call.”
“It’s not okay. I’m not interested in hanging out with guys that vanish and reappear. However, I am interested in hanging out with someone who follows through and does what they say. I find that attractive.”
Here you want to let him know that you liked him but were disappointed that he didn’t call you back. Also, because you like him and want to give him another opportunity, you let him know that you still like him. This is what you say:
“When you didn’t call me back – I was a little disappointed because I think you are interesting. But I’m not interested in hanging out with people that are vanishers. I would love to hang out with you again, but be honest with me. Are you going to be the guy who vanishes or the guy who follows through?”
When you are this direct he is either going to own up to his mistake or he is going to get defensive and make excuses. If he owns up to his mistake and he is sincere, you are more likely to have a guy that will not vanish – when challenges arise in your relationship.
But if he is defensive and makes excuses, he is likely to vanish again when the relationship gets tough.
Enclosing
Men vanish and come back in your life for a variety of reasons. Control, sex, and availability can motivate a man to reappear. Usually – but not always – men come back for selfish reasons.
How you handle his reappearance impacts the type of relationship you will have with him – if you decide to give him another opportunity. It is important you question a man’s motives – if he has disappeared before.
Make him prove his worth to you before making him your man.
